下面是小编整理的幽默英语故事，欢迎大家阅读!

幽默英语故事：What are the Two Words?

A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter. My dear, said the old lady, I wish you would do something for me. I wish you would promise me never to use two words. One is ‘lousy’ and the other is ‘swell’. Would you promise me that?

Why, sure, Granny, said the girl. What are the two words?

一个非常和蔼的老夫人有几句话要对她的孙女说。我亲爱的，老夫人说，我希望你能帮我一个忙。我要你答应永远不要用两个词，一个是“讨厌的”，另一个是“极好的”。你能答应我吗?

噢，当然，奶奶。女孩说：是哪两个词?

幽默英语故事：奇猜异想

Our physics professor was struggling to draw the class into discussion of Archimede's principle of water displacement. He told us that Archimede noticed that when he got into a pool at the public bathhouse, the water rose spilling over the edge. Excited at his discovery, he ran down the street yelling, "Eureka, eureka!" The instructor asked if anyone knew what that meant.

One student stood up and answered, "I'm naked ! I'm naked!"

我们的物理教授千方百计引导我们讨论阿基米德的排水原理。他告诉我们阿基米德去公共浴池洗澡，他进入池子，发现水涨高了，溢出池沿。他对这一发现十分激动，跑到街上高叫：“Eureka，Eureka!”教授问我们谁知道他喊的是什么意思。

一个学生站起来答道：“我光屁股啦，我光屁股啦!”

幽默英语故事：离婚

A husband and wife,both 91,stood before a judge,asking for a divorce."I don't understand,"He said,"Why do you want a divorce at this time of life?"

the husband explained "Well , you see,We wanted to wait until the children died."

有一个丈夫和妻子都是91岁，他们站在法官面前，要求离婚。“我不明白，”法官说，“你们为什么到了这把年纪还要离婚?”

丈夫解释道：“嗯，你是知道的，我们以前是哟等到孩子们都死了。”

幽默英语故事：A Man Who Said No 说不的男子

A friend of mine noticed a man staggering about in the Times Square subway station. A well-dressed Wall Street type, his coat was unbuttoned, a briefcase dangled from his hand and he'd obviously had one too many.

Asked if he was all right, the man gave a slurred but affirmative response. However, my friend simply could not see someone brave the rough maw of a New York subway without trying to help. He followed the chap, and again asked, "Are you sure you're all right? What subway are you looking for? Do you need help getting home?"

At last, the object of his attentions snarled, in a low voice, "Leave me alone! I'm an undercover cop!"

我的一位朋友看到一个男子在时代广场的地铁车站摇摇晃晃地走。那个人穿着时髦，敞着怀，一个手提箱在他的手里悬吊着，很明显他是多喝了一杯。

我朋友问他怎么样，那男子含糊而肯定地回答说没问题。然而我朋友就是不能眼看着有人在纽约地铁独入是非之地而置之不顾。他跟在那家伙的后面，又一次问道：“你肯定你没事?你在找哪个地铁站?你需要帮忙回家吗?”

他所注意的对象终于忍耐不住了，对他低声咆哮道：“你给我走开!我是便衣警察!”

幽默英语故事：博士与小厮

A wealthy old lady who lived near Dr.Swift used to send him presents occasionally by her servant.Dr.Swift took her presents but never gave the boy anything for his trouble.One day as Swift was busy with his writing， the boy rushed into his room， knocked some books out of their place， threw his parcelon the desk and said，“ my mistress has sent you two of herrab bits.” Swift turned round and said，“My boy， that is not the way to deliver your parcel.Now， you sit in my chair，watch my way of doing it and learn your lesson.” The boy sat down. Swift went out， knocked on his door and waited. The boy said“Come in.” The doctor entered，walked to his desk and said，“If you please sir， my mistress sends her kind regards and hopes you will accept these rabbits which her son shot this morning in her fields.” The boy answered，“Thank you， my boy， Give your mistress and her son my thanks for their kindness and here is two shillings for yourself.” The Doctor laughed， and after that， Swift never forgot to give the boy his tip.

在斯威夫特博士家附近，有一位富有的老妇人，她时常打发仆人给他送礼物。斯威夫特博士接受她的礼物，但从不给小厮任何酬谢。一天，斯威夫特博士正忙着写东西，小厮冲进了他的房间，把书一扒拉，将一个包裹扔在书桌上，说道：“我的女主人送给你两只兔子。” 斯威夫特转过身来说：“孩子，包裹可不是这样送法呀。现在，你坐在我的椅子上，看看我是怎么送的，并要记取这个教训。” 小厮坐了下来，斯威夫特走出去，敲了敲门，等待回音。小厮说“进来”。博士进了门，走到桌旁说道：“先生，我的女主人向您致以亲切的问候，并希望您收下这些兔子，这是她儿子今天早晨在地里打的。” 小厮回答说：“谢谢你，我的孩子。向你的女主人和她的儿子致谢，谢谢他们的关心。这两个先令是送给你本人的。” 博士笑了，打那以后，斯威夫特从没忘记送小费给小厮。

幽默英语故事：医生住在楼下

"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”

他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅;第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”

幽默英语故事：三人同舟

Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch.

A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.

"Oh yes, " he said. "They are my friends.

"In that case, " warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!"

"Yes, sir, " the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.

三位男子在公园的长椅上坐着。中间的一个在读报纸，另外两个在假装钓鱼。他们给想象的鱼钩上鱼饵，放线，并卷线把鱼抓上来。

一位过路警察驻足观察了这个景象，他问中间的那个男子是否认识其他两位。

“喔，认识，”他说，“他们是我的朋友。”

“那样的话，”警察告诫说，“你最好把他们从这里弄走。”

“好的，警官。”那男子回答说，接着就开始疯狂般地做起划桨的动作来。

幽默英语故事：As If Awakening From A Dream

A competition which subject is on giving up drinking is proceeding. One of lecturers says excitedly, " Alcohol can break down conjugal(婚姻的) relation, even cause your wife to leave you… "

A man shouts out at the news, "Give me another bottle of Brandy."

以戒酒为主题的演讲比赛正在进行，一个演讲者动情地说：“酒精可以破坏夫妻关系，甚至导致妻子离开自己的丈夫……”

这时一个男人大声喊：“再来一瓶白兰地!”

幽默英语故事：The ability of the Kangaroo 袋鼠的能力

The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll build the fence?"

"I don't know, " said the kangaroo. "Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.

动物园为刚引进的袋鼠建了一个特殊的八英尺高的围墙。但是第二天早上，人们发现这动物在围墙外面蹦跳着。于是围墙高度增加到十五英尺，但袋鼠还是跑了出来。动物园经理甚感恼火，又叫人把围墙高度加到三十英尺，但袋鼠还是逃了出来。一个长颈鹿问袋鼠：“你认为他们会把围墙建到多高?” “我不知道，”袋鼠说，“如果他们继续开着大门，可能要修到一千英尺吧。”