英语笑话是指以一句英文短语或一个英文故事让说话者和听者之间觉得好笑，或是产生幽默感，笑话是一种经过艺术加工的语言形式,是艺术化的语言，笑话是一种艺术方法。下面是小编整理的英语笑话，欢迎大家阅读!

英语笑话一：How can I get into heaven 我怎么才能上天堂

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church everyday, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "No!"

"Well, " I continued, "then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

“如果我把房子和车卖了，在车库举行义卖, 并把所有的钱给穷人，我能进天堂吗?”我问主日学校的孩子。

孩子们齐声回答：“不能!”

“那如果我每天都打扫教堂，给院子的草坪割草，并且把东西都收拾得干净整洁，我会上天堂吗?”

回答还是：“不能!”“好吧， ”我继续问, “那我要怎样才能升天堂呢?”

一个五岁的男孩儿叫道：“你得死了才行!”

英语笑话二：sells the candy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly.

"Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

“昨天给你的钱干什么了?”

“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。

“你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。

“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”

“她是个卖糖果的。”

英语笑话三：Older Goats in America美国老羊

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do with your older goats in America?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

一群美国人乘长途汽车在荷兰旅游。他们在一个奶酪场停下来。一位年轻的导游带他们参观了奶酪制作的全过程，解释说用的是羊奶。 她指给这群人一个美丽的山坡，山坡上许多羊在吃草。对这些，她解释说，是放逐草地的老羊，它们已不能再产奶。她然后问道：“在美国你们怎样处理老羊呢?”

一位活泼的老绅士回答说：“他们让我们乘车旅行!”

英语笑话四：Whose Son Is the Greatest

The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'."

The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'."

"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'.

" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"

Notes:

(1) priest n.基督教的教士 ;牧师

(2) monsignor n.阁下(对某些天主教教士的尊称)

(3) bishop n.主教(主管一城市或一教区之教务)

(4) Your Excellency 阁下(对主教的尊称)

(5) cardinal n.(天主教的)红衣主教(有权选举教皇)

(6) Your Eminence 对红衣主教的尊称

谁的儿子最伟大

四位牧师的母亲聚到一起谈论她们的儿子。“我的儿子是个教士，”第一位母亲自豪地说道，“他进入房间，人们都说，‘您好，阁下’。”

第二为母亲说：“我的儿子是位主教。他进入房间，人们都称，‘您好，大人’。”

“我的儿子是位红衣主教，”第三位母亲接着说，“他走进房间，人们都说，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。”

第四位母亲略思片刻。“我的儿子身高六英尺十，体重三百磅，”她说，“他要是走入房间，人们都说‘哦，我的上帝’!”

英语笑话五：怕老婆的丈夫

The ruler of an ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the statement that the men of his domain were ruled by their wives.He had all the males in his kingdom brought before him and warned that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely. Then he asked all the men who obeyed their wives' directions and counsel to step to the left side of the hall. All the men did so but one little man who moved to the right. “It's good to see，”said the king，“that we have one real man in the kingdom.Tell these chickenhearted dunces why you alone among them stand on the right side of the hall.” “Your Majesty，”came the reply in a squealing voice，“it is because before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds.”

古代有一个国王，他想证明他领土内的男人并非像人们传说的那样，受到老婆的管制。他把王国里所有的男人都召到跟前，警告说，哪个男人胆敢不说实话，就会受到严厉的惩罚。然后，他叫所有听从妻子的命令和意见的男人都走向大厅的左侧。所有的男人都站到了左侧，只有一个小个子男人站到了右侧。国王说：“看到我们国家里还有一个真正的男子汉，真是令人高兴。告诉这些胆小的笨蛋，为什么在他们当中只有你一个人站在大厅的右侧。” “陛下，”那人尖声地回答：“因为在我出门之前，我老婆告诉我不要扎堆。”

英语笑话六：睡前祷告词

Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "Make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."

Her mother interrupted and said, "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"

And Julie replied, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"

朱莉叶在做睡前祷告。“祷告上帝，”她说，“让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。”

妈妈打断她说：“朱莉叶，你为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢?”

朱莉叶回答说：“因为我在地理考卷上是这么写的。”

英语笑话七：几月走的

When Jack bowed to someone, he always did it at lightening speed. You shouldn't wait any longer after he has had his head nod. So he was blamed for no manners. Then some warmhearted men taught him, "When you bow to somebody next time, you can count 'January, February, March. until December. Then you can lift your body up. Thus, the ceremony will be perfect.

The next day, he met his uncle, he did as the men told him. The bow was so long that it made his uncle feel surprised and escaped away soon . When Jack looked up, he found his uncle gone . So he asked the passer, "Which month did he go away?"

杰克给人鞠躬，飞快地一点头，就算完了。大家都怪他不懂礼貌。于是便有好心的人教他说，“下次鞠躬的时候，你就在心里数：正月、二月、……一直数到十二月为止，然后再直起身来。这样，礼节就周全了。”

第二天，杰克见到他的叔叔，他便如法炮制。这躬鞠得太久，叔叔吃了一惊，赶紧逃开了。杰克抬头一看，其叔早已不知去向，他便问过路人：“我叔叔几月走的?”