下面是小编整理的英语爆笑幽默笑话，希望对大家有帮助。

英语爆笑幽默笑话：

One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right.

The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised.

He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?"

"No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim."

一天，蒂姆的数学老师看了他的作业，发现他全做对了。

老师很高兴，同时也十分惊讶。

他把蒂姆叫到桌前说："蒂姆，你这次的作业全都做对了，怎么回事?你爸爸帮你做了吗?"

"不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做。"

英语爆笑幽默笑话：

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office.

"Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom，he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."

Jim和Mary都是精神病院里的病人。一天，他们沿着医院的游泳池散步，Jim突然跳入泳池的深水区，他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他，她潜到水底，把Jim拉了上来。

当院长听闻了Mary的英勇行为后，他立刻翻看了她的病历档案,把她叫进了自己的办公室.

“Mary，我有一个好消息和一个坏消息要告诉你。好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人，这说明你的意识已经恢复了，你可以出院了。坏消息就是，Jim，你救的那个病人，他还是用自己的浴袍带子在浴室上吊自杀了。”

Mary说：“他没有自杀，是我把他吊起来好让他晾干。”

英语爆笑幽默笑话：

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

一天，比尔和汤姆去餐馆吃饭。当服务员端上两份牛排时，比尔迅速地为自己拿了比较大的那块。

汤姆对此很不开心：“你什么时候能学会礼貌?”

比尔说：“如果让你先拿，你会拿哪个?”

汤姆说：“当然是小的那个。”比尔：“那你还抱怨什么?小的那个不就是你想要的，不是吗?”

英语爆笑幽默笑话：

At the mall, my wife and I picked up some hardware items, including a handsaw. We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse.

Let's try it. " my wife suggested. Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw, I followed her inside.

Scanning the menu, my wife told the waitress, " I' 11 have chopped sirloin, please.

The waitress turned to me, eyed my saw and commented, "And I see that. you, sir, have come for our T-bone special.

在集市上，我和妻子买了一些五金用品，包括一个手锯。我们返回汽车时刚好路过一家牛排店。 “我们尝尝吧，”我妻子建议说。尽管我觉得拿着锯有点傻乎乎的，但还是随她走了进去。 我妻子扫视了一下菜单对女招待说：“请给我来一份炒牛腰片。” 女招待转向我，看了看我的锯，说道：“我能看出，先生，你是来吃我们的T形骨特色菜的。”

英语爆笑幽默笑话：

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents'. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the younger one replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

两个小男孩在他们的祖父母家过夜。睡觉时间到了，这两个小男孩跪在床上祈祷。弟弟用非常大的声音祈祷着，“我祈求有一辆新自行车……我祈求有一个新游戏机……我祈求有一个新录像机……”

他的哥哥用胳膊肘轻轻地碰了他一下，说：“你为什么这么大声地喊叫呢?上帝又不是聋子。”

弟弟听了回答道：“上帝是不聋，可奶奶聋呀!”

英语爆笑幽默笑话：

The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?"

"I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.

姑娘找到媒人，说：“你欺骗了我。他的一只眼是假眼，你以前为什么不告诉我?” “怎么没告诉你?”媒人也不甘示弱，“你们第一回见面后，我就说，他一眼就看中你了。”

英语爆笑幽默笑话：We Left Nothing 我们什么也没留下

Mrs Brown was going out for the day. She

locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman

on the door: "NOBODY HOME. DON’T LEAVE ANYTHING."

When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:

"THANKS! WE HAVEN’T LEFT ANYTHING!"

布朗太太要外出一天。 她锁好了房门，在门上给送牛奶的人钉了一张便条：“家里没人，请不要留下任何东西!” 她当天晚上回家后发现房间门被撞开，房子被洗劫一空。在她留给送奶人的便条上，她发现被补充了一句：“谢谢!我们什么也没留下!”

英语爆笑幽默笑话：你以为你是谁?Who do you think you are?

The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn’t let him aboard.

“It is too crowded, “they shouted.” who do you think you are?”

“I am the driver.” he said.

公共汽车上很挤，当又一个人还是试图上车时，乘客们不让他上。

“车上太挤了，”他们喊道，“你以为你是谁?”

“我是司机!”他说。