下面是小编整理的爆笑英语冷笑话，欢迎大家阅读!

爆笑英语冷笑话：Boss's idea

When my printer's type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printer's directions and try the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first."

由于我的打印机不能打印出清晰的字来，我就打电话给维修部。电话是一位非常和蔼的男人接的，他说我的打印机也许只是需要清理一下。

他还说，如果让维修部清理的话要交50英镑的清理费，让我最好看看使用手册自己试着清理。

当时我真的被他的话感动了，就问他：“你们老板知道你这样拒绝生意么?”

“事实上，这就是我们老板的主意，”雇员答道：“因为如果我们让用户先自行修理打印机的话就能挣更多的钱。”

爆笑英语冷笑话：Talking on the Telephone

Each Sunday the minister called the children to the front of the church while he told them a story. Once he brought a telephone to better illustrate the idea of prayer.

"You talk to people on the telephone and don't see them on the other end of the line, right?" he began.

The children nodded yes. "Well, talking to God is like talking on the telephone. He's on the other end, but you can't see him. He is listening though."

Just then a little boy piped up and asked, "What's his number?"

每个星期天牧师都会把孩子们叫到教堂前面，然后给他们讲一个故事。一天，他为了更好地阐述祈祷的含义，带来了一台电话机。

“你们和别人在电话里交谈，并没有看到电话线另一端的人，对吗?”他开始问道。孩子们点头称是。“好的，和上帝交谈就象通过电话交谈一样。他就在另一端，虽然你看不见他，但是他正在聆听你的心声。”

就在这时，一个小男孩尖着嗓子问道：“那他的电话号码是什么?”

爆笑英语冷笑话：The Name of a Poet

Our teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today. It works like this, she said. Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poetRobert Burns, for instance. She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns. Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman, a bobby in flames. See? Bobby Burns! I see what you mean, said the class know it all. But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning?

我们的老师正在给我们介绍现在某些学校使用的一种新的记忆训练系统。这个系统是这样的，她说，假定你要记住一个诗人的名字，例如，要记住罗伯特·彭斯的名字。她告诉我们把他当作博比·彭斯，让你的脑海里闪现出一个伦敦警察的形象，燃烧着的警察。明白吗?警察燃烧! 我明白你的意思，班上的万事通说，但是你怎么能说那就不是罗伯特·布朗宁呢?

爆笑英语冷笑话：谁欠谁钱

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $250 due for a consultation.

律师的狗，没有拴而到处闲逛，它来到一家肉店，偷走了一块 烤肉。店主来到律师的办公室，问道“如果一条没栓的狗从我的商店里偷了块肉，我有权利从狗的主人那里要回损失吗?律师答道：“完全可以”，“那你欠我 8.50美元，你的狗没栓而且今天从我的店里头了块肉”，律师什么都没说，马上给他写了一张支票。一些天后，店主打开邮箱，发现一封来自律师的信，信上写 道：咨询费250美元。

爆笑英语冷笑话：a King from a Knave

George Ⅲ asked the once wellknown wit, Horne Tooke,whether he could play cards.Your Majesty, replied Tooke, I am a mere childwhere cards are concerned. I cannot even tell a King from a Knave.

乔治三世问一度大名鼎鼎的才子霍恩·图克，会不会玩纸牌。陛下，图克回答说：在玩纸牌方面，我只不过是幼儿园的水平。我甚至分不清国王和无赖。

爆笑英语冷笑话：婚礼上有长官在

A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain.""Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.""But ,officer, I ….""I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."

大街上的一个超速驾驶者被警察拦住了。“但是警官”这个人说道，“我可以解释的”。“保持安静”，警察突然说道。“我将把你送往监狱，直到长官回来。“但是，警察，我……”。“我说过了保持安静，你要到监狱了。”几小时后，警察向监狱里看了看说道“算你运气好，因为我们的长官正在他女儿的婚礼上。他将带着一个愉快的心情回来的。”“你确定”在牢房里的这个人说道。“我就是新郎呀”。

爆笑英语冷笑话：Goethe's ToleranceGoe

the was once strolling on a narrow path in a park in Weimar. As luck would have it, he met with a critic who was hostile to him. Both of them stopped, staring at each other. Then the critic said, I'll never make way for a fool. But I will, with that Goethe retreated aside.

一次，歌德正在魏玛一个公园的一条狭窄小道上散步，碰巧他遇见一个对他怀有敌意的评论家。两人都停了下来，彼此相互对视。接着评论家说道：我从来不给傻瓜让路。 可我给，说完歌德退到了一边。

爆笑英语冷笑话：Good Sight

Lawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly?Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the sun, and they tell me it's about ninety-three million miles away.

律师：你说你离事故现场约有35英尺，你能看清多远的东西?证人：这么说吧，早上起床后我看见太阳，别人告诉我这大约有9300万英里远。

爆笑英语冷笑话：拿破仑病了

Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university. However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year."He's a good boy," said Jack's father, "and if you let him pass this time, I'm sure he'll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well.""No, no, that's quite impossible," replied the professor immediately. "Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn't know!""Please, sir, give him another chance," said Jack's father. "You see, I'm afraid we don't take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill."

杰克到一所大学去学历史。第一学期结束时，历史课教授没让他及格，校让他退学。然而，杰克的父亲决定去见教授，强烈要求让杰克继续来年的学业。“他是个好孩子，”杰克的父亲说，“您要是让他这次及格，我相信他明年会有很大进步，学期结束时，他一定会考好的。”“不，不，那不可能，”教授马上回答，“你知道吗?上个月我问他拿破仑什么时候死的，他都不知道。”“先生，请再给他一次机会吧。”杰克的父亲说，“你不知道，恐怕是因为我们家没有订报纸，我们家的人连拿破仑病了都不知道。”

爆笑英语冷笑话：Who is Stupid?

A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

Little Johnny then stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

一个老师在对学生们讲心理学，“谁认为自己蠢就站起来?”她一开始就说。

小约翰尼站了起来。

“你认为你很蠢吗，小约翰尼?”老师问。

“不是的，老师，我只是不喜欢看你一个人站着。”

爆笑英语冷笑话：一分一块钱

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

一天，教授正在给学生们监考。他发下试卷，然后回到讲台前等待。

考试结束了，学生们纷纷交回试卷。教授发现一张试卷上别着一张百元钞票，还有一张纸条写着："一分一块钱。"

第二堂课，教授把试卷都发回学生们手中。其中一个学生不但得到了试卷还得到64块钱的找零。

爆笑英语冷笑话：哪有人能弯腰弯那么低的

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him -- his height. or, should I say, his lack of it.One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

我们的餐厅经理是一位深受大家爱戴，和蔼而又快乐的人。但在他面前有一件事不能提--他的身高。或者，我应该说，他是有点矮!一天，经理怒气冲冲地撞门而入，高声说，“有人拿了我的钱包!”

我和其她大部女招待都没敢吱声，但有人却蹦出一句话：“哪有人能弯腰弯那么低的啊”!