摘要： 美国《沙龙》网络杂志指出：“沉默是金”的道理没错，但是“沉默对待”却能毁了一段感情。

Silence may be golden, but “the silent treatment” can ruin a relationship, according to a recent study, the online magazine Salon reported.

The silent treatment is one of the most common forms of conflict within a relationship, especially a romantic one. Researchers call it the “demand-withdraw” pattern. It happens when one partner repeatedly approaches the other with a request, whether asking for attention or change — or criticism, but is met with avoidance or silence.

美国《沙龙》网络杂志指出：“沉默是金”的道理没错，但是“沉默对待”却能毁了一段感情。

在一段关系，尤其是爱情关系中，沉默对待是最常见的感情冲突之一。研究者将其称为“要求/退缩沟通”模式。在这种模式下，一方不断提出要求，寻求注意或是希望另一方做出改变，而另一方则沉默或回避。

Frustrated by the lack of response, the person who made the demands makes more. The person who withdrew retreats further — initiating a vicious cycle.

由于缺乏反馈，于是提要求的一方变本加厉，而退缩的一方则愈发回避，从而形成恶性循环。

沉默是感情中的隐形杀手

According to Paul Schrodt, professor of communication studies at Texas Christian University, in the US, engaging in the silent treatment can kill romance.

在美国德克萨斯基督教大学从事沟通研究的保罗•施罗特认为，沉默对待将使感情消磨殆尽。

Schrodt is the head of a meta-analysis of 74 studies including more than 14,000 participants. The study found the demand-withdraw pattern to be one of the most damaging types of relationship conflict and one of the hardest patterns to break.

施罗特领导的一项对14000多名参与者、涉及74个研究的元分析显示，要求/退缩模式是伤害最大的感情冲突之一，也是最难打破僵局的冲突之一。

“Partners get locked in this pattern largely because they each see the other as the cause,” Schrodt was quoted as saying in ScienceDaily.com. “Both partners see the other as the problem.”

正如施罗特在每日科学网站所言，“这种模式下，冲突双方很容易陷入僵局，因为他们都觉得是对方引起了事端，认为问题出在对方身上。”

To break the vicious cycle, Schrodt says each partner has to become aware that they are engaging in the silent treatment. They need to know their role in it and the other partner’s point of view. The person making demands usually feels abandoned; the silent person is protecting himself. Each needs to ask, “Why am I behaving this way? How does my behavior make my partner feel?”

他说，要想打破这种恶性循环，冲突双方必须意识到自己正处在“沉默对待”之中。他们应知自己所扮演的角色和对方的想法。提要求的一方总有被抛弃之感，而沉默的一方则觉得一直在自我保护。他们双方都应问问自己：“我为何会如此表现?我的行为又会让对方有何感受?”

Opening up

打破僵局

Schrodt suggests talking with your partner about the demand-withdraw pattern and your own part in it. Then trying to stop yourself next time you start to engage in it.

施罗特的建议是：与对方谈谈“要求/退缩模式”，以及你在其中扮演的角色，并在下一次陷入此种模式之前，及时悬崖勒马。

A Wall Street Journal column talked to other experts about how to break the silent treatment cycle.

在《华尔街日报》的一篇专栏文章中，其他专家就打破“沉默对待”模式也提出了自己的建议。

Diana Weiss-Wisdom, a psychologist based in California, advises that partners take a break.

美国加利福尼亚州的心理学家戴安娜•维斯•威兹德姆建议冲突双方应先冷静一下。

“People have to be calm enough to listen to each other,” she says: “Cool your jets, and come back together at a specified time to talk about the feelings underlying the conflict before you try to solve anything.”

她说：“人们只有在冷静之时才能听进对方所说，所以，先冷静下，选个具体的时间点先一起说说冲突时的感受，再试着解决问题。”

If your demands and requests are being ignored, you’ll need to give your partner space. Try to engage his or her empathy. “The only way to do this is to use the word ‘I’,” says Fran Walfish, another Californian psychotherapist. Say: “This is how I feel when you pull away.” But be careful to avoid labels such as “selfish”, “rude” and “uncaring”.

同样来自加州的心理学家弗兰•沃尔费什则建议：如果你的要求总是被忽视，那么你需要给对方一些空间，试着引起他/她的同情。而这样做的唯一方法就是用“我”打头的句子，对他/她说，“我被你决绝时就是这样的感受”。但是，要慎用一些标签性的词语，比如“自私、粗鲁、漠不关心”等。

If you are the one who withdraws, acknowledge your need to pull away, and tell your partner that you need space. “At least the other person won’t feel shut out,” says Warren Kennaugh, a behavioral scientist based in Sydney, Australia. “It’s the non-explanation that drives them to a high level of discomfort.” Try to approach your partner more. “Be courageous about how you feel,” Kennaugh says.

来自悉尼的行为学家沃伦•肯诺的建议是：如果你是退缩的一方，那么你需要承认自己在逃避，同时告诉对方你需要空间。至少让对方不再感到被拒绝，因为不解释往往会让对方更难过。试着接近对方，勇敢地告诉他/她你的感受。”