一 我们爱说冷笑话

1)Q: How can you tell the ocean is friendly?

A: It waves.

(wave有波涛翻滚的意思，也有挥手致意的意思)

2)Q: What kind of witch likes the beach?

A: A SAND witch (sandwich)

(Sandwich是三明治的意思，两者发音相似)

3)Q: Which runs faster, hot or cold?

A: Hot. Everyone can catch a cold.

(catch有抓住的意思，catch a cold是感冒的意思)

4)Q: How did the soldier fit his tank in his house?

A: It was a fish tank.

(tank有坦克的意思，而fish tank则意为鱼缸)

5)Q: Where do cows go on dates?

A: MOOOOvies

(date是约会的意思，Moo为牛叫声，movie则是电影院的意思)

6)Q: What kind of snack do you have during a scary movie?

A: I scream (ice cream).

(ice cream意为冰淇淋，两者发音相似)

7)Q: Why won’t the elephant use the computer?

A: He’s afraid of the mouse!

(鼠标和老鼠的英文皆为mouse)

8)Q: Which are the stronger days of the week?

A: Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

(week和weak同音)

9)Q: What letters are not in the alphabet?

A: The ones in the mail.

(letter有信件的意思，也有字母的意思)

二 冷笑话中英文

1.A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

“昨天给你的钱干什么了?”

“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”

“她是个卖糖果的。”

2.The Reason of Being Late

Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?

Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School -- Go Slow'.

迟到的原因

老 师：约翰尼，为什么你每天早晨都迟到?

约翰尼：每当我经过学校附近的拐角处，就见路牌上写着‘学校-缓行’。

3.All Except the Music

A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?"

"Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is."

除了音乐

一位热心的年轻教师想让她的学生多了解一点优秀的古典音乐，就安排了一天下午去听音乐会。为了使这次活动能给大家留下更深的印象，她请大家喝柠檬汽水、吃点心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回来上汽车的时候，她问小萨莉：“你今天玩得好吗?”

“噢，好极了，小姐，” 萨莉说，“除了音乐其它都很好。”

4.The plural Form of "Child"

Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?

Tom: Men.

Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?

Tom: Twins.

"孩子"的复数形式

老师：汤姆，‘男人’这个词的复数形式是什么?

汤姆：男人们。

老师：答得好。那‘孩子’的复数形式呢?

汤姆：双胞胎。

5.When Do People Talk Least?

Student A: When do people talk least?

Student B: In February.

Student A: Why?

Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.

人们什么时候说话最少?

学生甲：人们在什么时候说话最少?

学生乙：在二月。

学生甲：为什么呢?

学生乙：因为二月是一年中最短的一个月。

6.Good news or bad news

An artist was part of an exhibition, and he asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings that were currently on display.

"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"Give me the good news first," the artist demanded.

"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What could the bad news possibly be?"

With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The gentleman in question was your doctor."

以为艺术家在一个画廊办了个展览，他问店主是否有人对他参展的画感兴趣。

“我有一个好消息和一个坏消息。”店主回答。

“先告诉我好消息。”画家要求道。

“好消息是一位绅士询问了你的作品，还问它是否会在你死后增。我告诉他会的，然后他买下了你所有的15幅画作。”

“那太棒了!”画家惊叹。“那么什么会是坏消息呢?”

店主想了想之后说：“问那个问题的是你的医生”。

7.The smart Old Lady

An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman:' How much this stuff?'

'Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap.'

The lady said, 'It is too much, give it to me for fourteen.'

'I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven.'

'It is still too much,' replied the old lady, 'give it to me for five.'

一位耳聋并且总是嫌东西太贵的老太太走进一家商店。 她问店员：“这东西要多少钱?”

“七美元，太太，这是很便宜的。”

老太太说：“太贵了，十四美元差不多。”

店员忙说：“我没说十七美元，是七美元。”

“还是太贵，”老太太说：“五美元，我就买啦。”

8.I don't think I know

Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"

John: "What do you think it is, sir?"

Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"

John: "I don't think I know either, sir!"‘

老师：“John，动词ring的过去分词是什么?”。

约翰：“你想它是什么呢”?

老师：“我不用想，我知道!”。

约翰：“我想我不知道”。

9.The Climate of New Zealand

Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?

Matthew: Very Cold, sir.

Teacher: Wrong.

Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!

新西兰的气候

老师：马修，新西兰的气候怎么样?

马修：先生，那里的天气很冷。

老师：错了。

马修：可是，先生!从那儿运来的猪肉都冻得硬邦邦的。

10.My Sister's Fingers

Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?

Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.

Teacher: I don't see any bandages.

Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.

我妹妹的手指头

老师：凯温，这次你怎么又迟到了?

凯温：对不起，老师，我在家钉钉子，砸坏了两个手指头。

老师：怎么没有扎绷带呀?

凯温：噢，砸的不是我的手指头，我叫小妹妹扶着钉子的。

11.Improvement

One student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?"

"Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."

进步

一位学生对另一位说：“你的 英语 最近学的怎么样?”

“很好，我过去不懂英国人说话，可现在是英国人不懂我的话了。”