导语:你有想过这些事情吗?我敢保证,其中的一半都在你的脑子里想过。

1. “What if I just got naked and started screaming at people?”

1、“如果我全身脱光并对人们大声尖叫，结果会如何?”

Although the details always change slightly, there is undeniably this incredibly weird little voice which lives inside each of us, coming out always in the most professional/formal/inappropriate moments, and longs only to see everything be ruined. Who hasn’t been sitting in a business meeting or particularly boring lecture and become overwhelmed with the desire to do something absolutely insane, such as light your neighbor’s beard on fire, or flash your genitals and wave them around a bit, or scream “penis” at the top of your lungs? There is just something almost… itchy about being in reserved, organized, quiet social situations which brings out the disgusting animal in each of us who wants chaos and loud noises and life-ruining behavior. I suppose we now have to work on channeling our inner Steve-O into a little voice which wants us to clean our shower, or file our taxes, or call our grandmother. At least put all that impulsiveness into positive behavior。

尽管在细节上会有轻微的不同，但是无可否认的是这种难以置信的怪异小心声却存在于我们每个人心里，通常在最为专业、最为正式或最不恰当的时刻浮现，无非是为了看到一切都被搞砸。谁没有在商务会谈或特别乏味的演讲时，被某种绝对疯狂的念头所征服，比如把邻居的胡子点着火，或者展示生殖器并四处甩动一会儿，或者用尽全力喊“鸡巴”?总有一种可以称为……冲动的东西，让我们在保守的、组织化的、平静的社会状态下放出置身于我们每人心中的野兽，我们希望混乱、噪声和生命毁灭的行为。我认为我们现在必须将内心的史蒂芬·格里斯特·格罗佛(一著名小丑演员，译注)调成另外的小心思，比如清洁浴池、清理税务、打电话给祖母之类。至少，将所有那些冲动转向积极的行为。

2. “I want to punch that baby。”

2、“我想揍那个小婴儿。”

When it’s just screaming endlessly, and no one’s doing anything about it, and you’re just trying to enjoy your meal, and you know that your rage would be much better directed to the spineless parent who is allowing this to carry on, but you just can’t even think about them with the screaming in your ear — sometimes you just want to punch the baby. It is ruining your day, and being such an asshole, and even if you spend 99 percent of your time being a Mary Poppins figure who hands out dandelions to round-cheeked toddlers and whistling showtunes, you are not immune to the baby-punching. Just one swift uppercut to the face and they’d be quiet for a while, and you could finish your meal in peace. We are all terrible。

如果他不停歇地尖叫人们却无动于衷，而你就等着享用饭菜，你也知道你的愤怒最好是向让这一切发生的懦弱父母发泄，但是，你却没有考虑过他们，而是在你的耳朵里面尖叫——有时你只想打这个小孩一拳。这将毁掉你的生活，并会如此糟糕，即使你花费99%的时间去扮演《欢乐满人间》的角色，向圆脸庞的婴儿撒出蒲公英，吹着金曲，你还是想着拳击小孩。只需要向脸上来上一记上勾拳，他们就会安静一会儿，你就可以平静地吃完饭。我们都挺坏的。

3. “Does this person make more money than me?”

3、“这个人比我挣钱多?”

How much are your coworkers making? How about your friends? Your frenemies? Your cousins? Where are they geting that nice new blazer, and those fancy throw pillows? What kind of money are they making? They should be paying for my drinks with all this money they’re throwing around. If you could just get, like, an estimate within a 5,000-dollar range, that would be perfect. Just enough to know that you shouldn’t be seething with jealousy。

你的同事挣多少钱?朋友呢?竞争性伙伴呢?堂兄弟姐妹呢?他们在哪里买到的新法兰绒衣服，还有那些奇妙的抱枕?他们挣的是什么钱?他们应当用他们甩出来的钱为我的饮料付帐。如果你能够挣，比如，估计5000美元之内(可能是说差距吧，译注)，那非常理想。刚好使你不会充满忌妒。

4. “Am I going to jump right now?”

4、“我现在跳下去吗?"

Whether standing on a subway platform or on the rooftop of a building which would definitely flatten you immediately if you fell, there is always that terrifying moment of “What if I just tipped right over and ended it all?” You’re not sad, you don’t want to die, and you’re not the kind of person who even goes for an adrenaline rush, and yet — it’s all you can think about it. Even the most even-keeled person is guaranteed to get a rush or two of “Maybe I would just break all the bones in my legs and still make it out okay” when looking over the railings of a long stairwell. It’s human nature, and yet it never gets any less unnerving. Because what are you going to do? You can’t just turn to your friend and be like, “Don’t mind me, I’m just contemplating my mortality for a hot sec. I might jump, but probably won’t. You can have my XBox just in case I do。” I mean, you could, but I would discourage it。

无论是站在你一掉下去就会被拍扁的地铁站台还是建筑屋顶，总是有那种可怕的时刻，想着”如果我现在跳下，结束这一切会怎么样?“你并不悲观，也不想死，你也不是那种因肾上腺激素上升而行动的人，以及——只是因为你想那样。即使是脾气最好的人，也会有一两下这种冲动，当我们俯视一个很长的楼梯井的栏杆时，会想”也许我可以折断腿上所有的骨头，完成它“。这是人类的天性，而这并不减少紧张。因为你会做什么呢?你不会对你的朋友这样说，”不要管我，我只思索一会儿我的死亡。我可能跳，也可能不跳。如果我万一跳了，你就拿我的XBOX。”我说，你会，但是我会劝阻你。

5. “People who say ‘I don’t need to drink to have fun’ shouldn’t get invited places。”

5、“说‘我不需要从酒中寻找乐趣’的人不会被邀请。”

I’m sure they are capable of being nice people, but I am not trying to get my buzz ruined by some Polly Party Pooper who just wants to look at me condescendingly while I sip my Mad Dog like a lady and talk about how she’s high on life and doesn’t need to intoxicate herself to see all the ~beauty and joy of being a citizen of this earth~ or whatever New Age smugness she has been smoking these days. We all know that it’s the worst, and yet no one works up the courage when told “I don’t need to drink to have fun” to rip the cork out of a bottle of wine with their teeth and be like “WELL I DO GLUG GLUG GLUG。” Someone should really take one for the team and do it。

我确信他们有资格成为好人，但是我不会让这些美女聚会扫兴者毁掉兴致的，她们在我像一个女士一样啜一口Mad Dog时，居高临下地看着我，并谈论她的生活品味是如何高雅，不需要喝醉来感受所有的这些——美和身为地球公民的快乐——或任何新生代的自命不凡，这些天她一直在批评。我们都知道这是最差劲的，而且还没有人有勇气在被告知“我不需要从酒中寻找乐趣”时，用牙齿打开瓶塞并说“来来来，喝喝喝。”人们都应该加入团队做事。

6. “Thinking about [insert couple here] having sex is offensive and nauseating。”

6、“想象[此处添加某某夫妇]性交是冒犯和恶心的。”

It’s not even necessarily that this couple is particularly uggo, although that happens quite often, too. Hell, there are some couples that are not at all your cup of tea physically whom you could still picture slapping away like one of those plastic clappy-hands toys kids use at parties. But there are just certain couples who, for whatever reason, are as asexual as the bodies of Barbie and Ken dolls. The idea of them getting it on is at once impossible to imagine and slightly unsettling to consider. They’re just kind of gross in any sexual context, and you’d rather not see them holding hands, lest your mind wander to where else those hands have explored。

这对夫妻并不一定非常恶心，虽然通常是恶心的。有的夫妻根本就不是你喜欢的类型，你仍然会想像扇开他们，好象分开那些聚会中使用的塑料拍手玩具小孩。但是，也有一些夫妻，不知是什么原因，就像芭比和肯玩偶一样，是无性的。他们在一起的念头是无法想象的，想起来也让人轻微不安。他们在一个有性的环境下是一种尴尬，而你宁愿不要看到他们牵手，免得你的思维飘荡到另外的那些手已经探索过的地方去。

7. “This child/baby is ugly。”

7、"好丑的小孩/婴儿。“

I don’t know, man, sometimes a baby is just unattractive. You want to be nice, but you’re just like, “Yikes, 2/10 at best。” And it’s bad enough when it’s just some random baby crossed in the street, but sometimes it’s popping up on your Facebook news feed or coming to family functions and then you have to be repeatedly confronted with its presence and forced to muster up some half-hearted lie about how cute it is. Can we just be honest and be like, “Hey, some babies have great personalities. Yours is one of them。” Please?

我不知道，哥们儿，有时候婴儿也不可爱。你想是友好的，而你只是像。”呀，20分最多。“在街上随机遇到的婴儿的情况已经足够坏了，但是有时是在Facebook新闻填充栏，或成为家庭功能状态，然后你必须经常面对他的存在，你必须挤出一些半心半意的谎言，说好可爱哟。我们能不能诚实点，这样说，”哧，一些小孩很有个性。你的也是。“拜托。