下面是小编整理的英语爆笑冷笑话，希望对大家有帮助。

英语爆笑冷笑话：

The Name of a PoetOur teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today. “It works like this，” she said.“Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poet—Robert Burns，for instance.”She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns.“Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman，a bobby in flames.See?Bobby Burns!” “I see what you mean，” said the class know it all.“But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning?”

我们的老师正在给我们介绍现在某些学校使用的一种新的记忆训练系统。“这个系统是这样的，”她说。“假定你要记住一个诗人的名字——例如，要记住罗伯特·彭斯的名字。”她告诉我们把他当作博比·彭斯。“让你的脑海里闪现出一个伦敦警察的形象，燃烧着的警察。明白吗?警察燃烧!” “我明白你的意思，”班上的万事通说。“但是你怎么能说那就不是罗伯特·布朗宁呢?”

英语爆笑冷笑话：

No matter which girl he brought home， the young man found disapproval from his mother. A friend gave him advice. “Find a girl just like your mother—then she's bound to like her. So the young man searched and searched， and finally found the girl.He told his friendly adviser： “Just like you said， I found a girl who looked，talked，dressed， and even cooked like mother.And just as you said，mother liked her” “So，”asked the friend，“what happened?” “Nothing，”said the young man.“My father hates her!”

无论带哪一个女孩回家，这位青年人总会遭到母亲的反对。一位朋友劝他说： “找一个和你母亲一样的女孩——那她一定会喜欢她。” 于是这位青年人不停地找啊找，终于找到了这么个女孩。 正像你说的那样，我找到一个长相、谈吐、穿着打扮，甚至连烹饪都和我母亲一样的女孩。也正像你说的那样，我母亲喜欢她。” “那后来呢?”朋友问。 “没什么，”青年人说。“我父亲讨厌她!”

英语爆笑冷笑话：

A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor. “When I was first married，I was very happy. I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop，and my little dog would race around barking，and my wife would bring me my slippers.Now everything's changed.When I come home，my dog brings me my slippers，and my wife barks at me.” “I don't know what you're complaining about，”said the counselor.“You're still getting the same service.”

一个结婚十年的男人正在请教一位婚姻顾问。“刚结婚那会儿，我非常幸福。我在店里劳累一天回到家，我的小狗会绕着我跑，汪汪叫，而我的妻子给我拿来拖鞋。现在一切都变了。我回到家里，我的狗给我拿来拖鞋，我的妻子对着我汪汪叫。” “我不知道你在抱怨什么，”婚姻顾问说。“你得到的服务还是一样的呀。”

英语爆笑冷笑话：

A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding motorist. "Don't you know what the blinkin

g lights and siren mean?" he demanded.

"Yes, sir," replied the driver.

"Then why didn't you pull over immediately?"

"I would have, officer, " the man said. "But last month my wife ran off with a policeman, and I was afraid you were bringing her back.

一位公路巡警截住了一个超速司机。“难道你不知道闪烁灯和警笛的意思吗?”他责问道。

“知道，长官，”司机回答说。

“那你为什么不立即靠边停车?”

“我本来想这样做的，长官。”那男子回答说，“但上个月我妻子和一位警察私奔了，我是害怕你把她带回来。”

英语爆笑冷笑话：

The New Baby Mr.and Mrs.Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat.Now Mrs.Taylor was expecting another child. Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much，so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too. One evening Mr.and Mrs.Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival.“This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes，”said Mr.Taylor. Pat came into the room just then and said，“What are you talking about?”“We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now，because the new baby's coming，”his mother answered. “ It's no use，”said Pat hopelessly.“ He'll follow us there.”

泰勒夫妇有一个七岁的男孩，名叫帕特。现在泰勒太太正怀着第二胎。 帕特在别人家看见过婴儿，他不太喜欢他们，所以他对自己家里也将有一个婴儿的消息感到不满。 一天晚上，泰勒夫妇正在为这个婴儿的降生计划做安排。泰勒先生说：“有了婴儿，我们的房子就太小，不够住了。” 帕特恰好在这个时候走进屋，他问：“你们在说什么?”他的母亲回答说：“我们在说我们现在得搬家，因为婴儿就要诞生了。” “那没用，”帕特绝望地说。“他会跟我们到那儿去的。”

英语爆笑冷笑话：

Seth Smith was reckoned the laziest man in town. Sotired had the authorities become of contributing to his supportthat they decided to consign him to a living tomb. Accordinglyhe was prepared for burial. The hearse was an old ramshacklecountry wagon. As the strange cortege moved along some old residentasked，“Who is it?” “Why，Seth Smith， who is too lazy to get anything to liveon， so we are going to bury him alive.” “I'll give him a bushel of corn，” said one.“And I will，”said another. Slowly raising his head， Seth asked：“Is the corn shelled，neighbor?” “No，you must do that yourself.” Gently replacing his head， he said：“ Drive on， boys，drive on.”

塞思·史密斯被公认为镇上头号懒人。长官们实在懒得再供养他，便决定把他送进一个天然坟墓里去。于是他被准备着去埋葬，灵车是一辆摇摇晃晃的乡下旧马车。正当这列奇怪的送葬队伍在行进时，一些老街坊问道：“这是谁啊?”“唉，塞思·史密斯，他懒得没法活了，我们这就去把他活埋。”“我来给他一蒲式耳谷子吧，”一个人说。“我也给，”另一个说。 塞思慢慢抬起头来问道：“谷子脱粒了吗，街坊?” “没有，你得自己来。”他缓缓把头放回原处说：“接着走吧，孩子们，接着走吧。”

英语爆笑冷笑话：Christmas Eve Service平安夜礼拜

Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where was I?" A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!"

就在我开始平安夜祷告时，教堂停电了。教堂里的接待人员和我找到一些蜡烛，把它们放在礼堂周围。然后我重返讲道坛，整理了一下笔记后，我说：“刚才我讲到哪儿了?”传来一阵不耐烦的声音：“马上就讲完了!”

英语爆笑冷笑话：Now We Run 现在我们跑吧

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow, places his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles and asks, "And now what, my little man?" The boy replies, "Now we run!"

一个牧师正沿着街走路，这时他看到街对面有个小男孩正试图按一所房子的门铃。但这个小孩太小了，门铃又高，他够不着。看到那个小男孩费了很多劲，牧师走近了他。牧师优雅地穿过马路，走到小家伙的背后，轻轻地把手放在小男孩肩头，按响了门铃。他弯下身子，微笑着问道：“接下来怎么办，孩子?”小男孩回答说：“接下来我们跑。”